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."Damn, Liam, those kids are living in hel," she said more than once.I told her that was Seth's assessment as wel.I also told her I'd try to make it up to Grace for leaving early which was what Moira had told her.I'm not buying a damned pony though.I had a lot of time to think that night.Too much time maybe.What if my dad was right? What if running wasn't the best plan right now? A cal to Abigail the next morning cleared me of that notion.I was being let go.She said she tried to fight for my job but circumstances being what they were, yada yada.The whole time she knew that I knew that she was the only one in the company with any knowledge of the weekend's events.Abby and I never realy were friends.She was Moira's friend and then my too nosy boss.After I spoke with Moira that morning and accidentaly let her know that I was fired because of Saturday, I expected Abby's head on a pike long before I made it out of testing.And secretly, I wasn't the slightest bit ashamed for wanting that little revenge.Stress testing for someone like me was a walk in the park.The most frustrating thing was how long it took to actualy get my heart rate to go up to the level they wanted.I run five miles a day on the treadmil at the gym, walking up an incline in a doctor's office was nothing.Eventualy we got there and after a thorough sonogram of my chest, a complete blood workup and a couple more ECG tests I was sent back to my room.To eat another bland lunch and pace.I paced a lot that afternoon.Thank, god, Da had brought me clothes or I'd be pacing in the backless gown and my briefs.After lunch a group of doctors came by and asked less frightening questions than the day before.They were waiting on the results of the tests and if everything checked out fine I'd go home that evening.The nurse came in and told me I was supposed to folow up with a cardiologist and left the information the doctors gave her.She checked my vitals again.And suggested that I might want to take advantage of the wait time and shower.I stil had flecks of glass in my hair.I told her to go ahead and cancel the no visitor thing.She just smiled and patted me on the shoulder.I wondered just who had tried to see me to make her smile sad like that.In the hours waiting for evening rounds and a possible release, I went out of my mind.Apparently hospitals were now on my list of places to avoid at al costs.I knew this from being trapped here too long al those years ago, but I'd forgotten.I felt eyes watching me.I paced and fidgeted and watched the door.I kept waiting for the men in the white coats to come and wrestle me into cuffs and rol me out to the loony section of the hospital or worse to the state hospital in the next county where they sent al of the hardcore crazies.I'm not a pacer.I believe I've mentioned this before.I don't pace.When I stew it's in the fetal position.And I don't do that often.I had too much pent up energy to deal with.Too much self-doubt and too much memory eating me alive.Smal things I didn't remember from my long stay wanted to niggle back into my brain.Of drugs and hands holding me down and Kel crying and holding my hand.Caling me daddy and begging me not to die.Just be okay.I need you to be my daddy.I need you because without you it won't be worth anything.Liam, please, just be okay.I remember him being there and then he didn't come back.I remember wanting him.Begging for him.But he never came back.I was so afraid he'd done something to himself.I begged.But no one knew.My family didn't come often.They couldn't stomach what I'd become.The depression medication helped.It took time but it helped.I couldn't talk to the police about what happened.They came.Often.I finaly was clearheaded enough to tel them it happened in California and they never came back.The shrink was the only person I told anything to.And I didn't tel him the whole truth.No one knew the whole truth.Sometimes I wondered if I knew the whole truth.I watched the sun sink in the sky from the smal window in my private room.Night was coming so early now.It was November.Thanksgiving not that far away [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]