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.After Stooges, we ended up at his place, talking, over strawberry margaritas, another alcoholic drink Glenn was sure I’d enjoy.“Do you have a boyfriend?” Glenn asked, point blank, over our breakfast of bagels and cream cheese.I thought of the prom picture sitting in my living room.I thought of why Glenn might be asking.I thought of the widest definition of what a boyfriend was—someone who pays attention to you.“No.”“You’re telling me that you don’t have a boyfriend? How lucky did I get?” Glenn said.I smiled, shyly.“I thought I had a boyfriend, but I haven’t heard from him in a long time and we haven’t seen each other in almost a year.”“Why?” he asked, mouth half-full of bagel.“He quit writing.I guess he forgot about me,” I said, depressed.“So you’re available,” he said, eyes lighting up.His excitement teased a slight smile, brightening my face.“Come here.” Glenn motioned for me to sit on his lap, which I did.He traced his finger down the side of my face to my chin, then looked me in the eye.“He’ll never forget you.No one could forget you,” he said, glancing down from my eyes.He pressed his lips to mine.* * *That night I sat on my mattress, propped up with pillows against the wall.I wrote life changing words.Dear Reese,How are you? I’ve had an interesting time adapting to life away from home.And I’ve missed hearing from you.I thought you resolved to break the silence and let me in, but nothing has changed.I still look into my mailbox daily hoping for a letter from you, just to be disappointed every day.I can’t do this anymore.I know this sounds harsh, but it isn’t fair to me.I think we should see other people.You can probably see tear spots on this paper, because I’m crying as I write.This isn’t my first choice.My first choice is you.I love you so much and always will, but I can’t live a life with only love.I can’t spend time with love.I need a person to go with it and you aren’t there.You know I’ve waited, but I can’t wait anymore for something that may never come.Maybe someday things will be different.Take care.Love Always,CamrynI reread the letter five times before I sent it.It wasn’t a normal break up, not that I knew what normal was.I presumed a normal break up was when the couple didn’t like each other anymore or didn’t get along.Maybe he found someone else he liked better, or maybe he didn’t love me anymore.It seemed unlikely, but I had no idea why he abandoned me.What wrong had I done?I kissed our prom picture as I put it away in a shoebox along with the necklace and bracelet he’d given me and the stuffed lion he’d won for me over three and a half years before.It was a tiny casket, which I buried deep in my closet.Dropping the letter in the mailbox wasn’t a liberation.It was excruciating, as painful as severing my own arm.I dropped my self in the mail that day.Reese never replied.CHAPTER 13“Sex is supposed to be the culminating blossom of an intimate friendship, not scattered seed.”—Megan’s GrandmaGlenn knocked on my door, again, a Sunday morning.The savory aroma of bacon and eggs followed him.They were getting cold over at his place and I had to come.There was no reason not to go.“What did you do last night?” he asked.“Studied.Watched TV.”Glenn sang, “Boring.” I shrugged.“We went to a club,” he said, proudly.“Was it fun?”“Oh yeah, lots of fun.I wished you were with me though.” I looked at him, wondering why he wished I had been along.“Other guys were there with their girlfriends, and I didn’t have anyone—kind of a third wheel.”Butterflies took flight in my stomach, lifted by his girlfriend implication.“But you’re here now,” he said, gently pushing me back into the living room chair when I rose to carry my empty plate into the kitchen.“I’ll take that.” He cleared our dishes, then returned, facing me on the floor, kneeling between my legs.“You’re pretty,” he said, brushing my hair from my face.No one had ever called me pretty, not even Reese, but Reese had made me feel as though I was.Glenn spoke it.Out loud.Then he kissed my mouth, a starter kiss that led to more.He reached his hands up the back of my sweatshirt, touching my skin.His touch caused my legs to wrap around his waist, then I felt a nudge from within his jeans under my thigh.He leaned in on me, kissing harder, pressing my teeth into my lip.Conscious of the boorish kiss, I ignored it, noticing more, his hands.They swiftly removed my sweatshirt and then slipped my bra aside, exposing one nipple.He went down on it.Something no one else had ever done.Something no one else had ever seen intimately and up close.I felt open.I felt sexy.It felt good.“Let’s get more comfortable,” Glenn whispered, unhooking my bra, letting my breasts fall free, loose.My flesh wanted more.I lay on his single bed and watched him undress.It felt dreamy, like I wasn’t fully present; my body was in control.His penis sprang out erect as he shed his underwear.I had never seen a naked man, not up close and in the flesh.Never seen an erect naked man.He crawled in next to me on the bed and tugged at my fly.“You protected?” he asked.“Yes.”I had been taking the free pills I got from the Health Department.Sarah took me there before I had even gone away last summer.I was prepared for Reese, not taking any more chances.I was going to be responsible and ready when he returned.My preparedness made saying yes to Glenn an easier answer.“You do it,” Glenn said, fumbling with my pants.He was having difficulty slipping my jeans over my hips, directing me to remove them myself.He pumped hard from on top, causing me pain, then slowed down and stopped, still joined.My excitement subsided.This was not as enjoyable as it was supposed to be.“You get on top.” We decoupled, then switched positions.With Reese, on top worked well.The preferable position? I French kissed Glenn then moved to nibble the side of his neck.His eyes were closed, a huge smile on his face.I wanted to say I love you, but didn’t.I wanted to say I love you each time I came up for air.It felt weird not to.That was what you were supposed to do when you made love, say I love you.Say I love you with passion and feeling.Saying it back and forth, dropping a part of your soul into each other with every word so your selves were intermingled.But we weren’t making love.We didn’t know each other well enough to make love.I had done one of those never things that I promised myself that I would never do: never raise a child alone, never live in California, never marry a divorced person, never drink beer, never kiss a man you can’t say ‘I love you’ to, let alone have sex.I felt love for Glenn, but I knew he wasn’t ready to hear it.He wasn’t equipped to say it back.I felt a break in his rhythm, a mini convulsion beneath me, then saw goose bumps cover Glenn’s chest.He stopped.“Was it as good for you as it was for me?” he joked.I managed a grim smile instead of a laugh.NO! It wasn’t as good for me, didn’t even come close.I felt emptied, not filled up with love and tenderness, warm feelings and caring.I felt like something had been taken away.He didn’t wait for an answer.I had no answer to give.“Do you have anything to clean up with?” he asked.Like I had a damp washcloth in my naked back pocket.“No.”He grabbed a dirty T-shirt from the floor, wiped himself on it and then walked to the bathroom.I dressed while he washed himself off [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]