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.I surprise myself how much I enjoy the learning process, yet I remain afraid.Saying the words I am afraid have had a profound effect on Sir Luke.For some reason he believes I’m afraid of him.I’m not at all.In fact quite the opposite.I find that he stills me with his gentleness, his patience.And God knows he needs a huge amount of patience around me.Did he send Bart along the way to challenge me? I hate asking that question but in truth I worry.There are days I question me, the girl who remains pushing hard.At times I think I’m like a child, needing a firm hand.He is freer in his methods of discipline now, but I still feel him holding back.Perhaps I really am a complete handful.I spoke with a new friend, one who has been in the lifestyle part time, but at least longer than I have and we discussed the importance of letting go.Letting go of not only our inhibitions but also the notion that we will be judged or people will look down on us.I’ve never worried about what others said if they found out I am in a D/s relationship.Never.I never worried that I am a submissive to a black man, even though interracial couples are still looked down upon.I enjoy stretching my personal boundaries with regards to sex and passion, obedience and understanding.But I realized something very important in talking with my new friend.I have been judging my Sir.Not that I meant to at all, but I have been.I guess I was thinking he knew every aspect of what he was getting into with our relationship.I seem to forget that just because he’s been in the same type before, each one is different, just like a vanilla relationship.We all worry and have fears, we cry and get angry, we long to be touched and held – told everything is going to be all right.Life is hard.Relationships can suck.I forgot the man has to play so many roles.Sir Luke is not my protector and my friend.He’s my teacher as we move along in this lifestyle.He’s my disciplinarian when I disobey the rules – whether on purpose or inadvertently and he has to know when to push my limits or stop the level of punishment, knowing I’ve had enough.He also has to know when simply to be my passionate lover, taking me into his arms in such a heated embrace I am left breathless.He does all these things and he does them so well.I think I put him on a pedestal as if he were my hero, red cape and mask barely optional.He is my hero but not because he protects me or teaches me, but because of the man he is in general.Kind.Loving.Honorable.He is all things to me and I am so honored to call him my Sir.Do we have bumps in the road? Absolutely.Do we argue? Yes, and each time seeing the look of disappointment in his eyes makes me cringe.There is nothing worse than disappointing him.Nothing.In the beginning I didn’t understand this, not completely.I thought he’d get over my infractions and we’d move on.Only after a couple of months did I realize he takes my misdeeds or my disobedience to heart, as if he were to blame.I remember yelling at him one time because the notion drove me crazy.Yes, he punished me for my mouth and my dishonor.And he should have.I make mistakes still.I know I’ll manage more.I hope in time the infractions will become fewer and certainly less in severity.I think they will, because of Luke and his training.That being said, I know I need to allow him to be a man.As a man he’s going to make his own mistakes.He’s going to falter in his needs, his beliefs and in how he handles not only my needs but also ours.He is going to fail.He is going to worry.He is going to suffer.I only hope he’ll love and trust me enough to tell when how I can help or what’s wrong.That’s all I truly want from him.I wish I could let go of the past, move forward to another step.I seem to be derailing myself and I hate what I’m doing.That’s going to stop, no matter what I have to do.My Sir Luke has my undying love and my ever growing devotion.I hope I give him the honor and respect he gives me.He is my everything.We’re going away for a few days.I know little about the trip with the exception we’re going to delve even deeper into our journey of submission together.I hope to remind him that he is also a man as well as my Sir.I’m looking forward to the trip.Jessie didn’t bother reading what she’d written.She never did.There would be no changes and no additions.That was her promise regarding her journal.What she did glance at again were her words about being afraid.The sad part for her was that she remained very much afraid.And after all the thoughts and delving into her psyche, she had no idea why.Her thoughts lingered to Bart once again and the thought was…She exhaled slowly after finishing the piece and drained her wine.Luke was late which probably meant he wasn’t coming home for another two hours or so.She’d stopped even asking and certainly hadn’t been attempting to make dinner.Perhaps tonight she’d go out all by herself.Yeah.Now what would Sir Luke think about that? Wrinkling her nose, she left both the empty glass and her journal on the table [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]